I’m A Faker
No, not that Faker!
Lords and ladies, I am a faker, a sham of a liar, a poser as it were. I haver preached my commitment to working daily on Meditation, Exercise and Music and I have worked on all three about once every five days. I feel as if I’m trying to come off as a mindful, sagacious guru when in fact I’m allowing the currents and tumult of daily life wear down to little nibs the pillars of my well-being.
How does this happen? Well I’ll tell you… it’s half wanting to please and half lack of self worth. I am a very committed worker with my teaching and I spend, as you may have heard about us pedagogues, a great deal of ‘free’ time doing lesson plans and grading papers. This, of course has to be done and done in a timely manner. That being said, I tend to push this work ethic farther than I should. Instead of taking a break from school work so I can exercise, meditate or work on my muse, I instead sacrifice that time to continued efforts with my job. This choice, I believe, if partially informed by my wanting to be accepted and appreciated along with a fear that if I fail or fall short in some way, I will lose my job and hence my source of livelihood and means of support for my three children. The weight that I put on myself at these times of choice I believe, is way overblown. Taking an hour off to recharge the old batteries is a very good thing and would most definitely benefit my effectiveness when I again put my nose to the grindstone.
Another component of my decision making is my ‘quest’ to achieve the perceived role of ‘HERO’! When I make the sacrifice to work extra hours for the cause of my employment, I picture myself as a ‘HERO’ worthy of the accolades of my boss and fellow administrators. Hence, we have on one hand a person who has a lack of self worth and on other hand works to garner the huzzahs of those around him. For me they are two sides of the same coin. This coin is fear of success, not work success, mind you but life success.
What I mean to say is that if I over work and sacrifice the joys and benefits of personal self care, I am prohibiting the opening of doors to future possibility. So if I work so hard that my mind is all twisted and distorted with worry about my job and I don’t take the time to unravel it through meditation; if I sit at my desk for hours upon hours focused on the problems at hand without stretching and exercising; if I don’t allow my inner expression to come to the fore through writing music, then I won’t be able to see clearly, if at all, what avenues of ‘what I don’t know I don’t know’ can be in my future. In fact, and I had a taste of this earlier this year, if I allow this lifestyle to continue, I could end up very sick.
Life needs pressure valves, live needs time to reflect, life needs times to day dream and explore the unknown. If not, life becomes non-living; a simple ‘punch the clock’ situation where one is just marking time until the old ticker stops.
Finding solutions and progress with committed behaviors sometimes requires attention to miniscule details - to finding the pivot points in one’s day-to-day life that push oneself in one direction or another. For me, a crucial pivot point is when I get home from school. This point in time is probably best for doing my MEM work but instead, I make the choice of being the ‘HERO’ and work through until it’s time to make dinner and by the time that’s through I’m too shot to want to exercise, etc.. and instead, sit in front of my computer and continue to work.
In order for me to make sure that I take time for myself, here’s the voices I have to tell “bugger-off ya wanker” in order to change this behavior around. Voice 1: “if you don’t keep your principal impressed and up to date on your myriad projects, they will fire you or at least lessen your salary and you can’t afford that” - to that voice I say: “bugger-off ya wanker, I’m just talking about one hour of ‘time off’, I’m not spending the rest of the evening watching Ted Lasso.” Voice 2: “if you get that project done ahead of time and done to perfection, you’ll be heralded as “Man of the Year” or at least get a few enthusiastic thanks” - to that voice I say: “bugger-off ya wanker it’s a matter of getting the job done, not getting praise” Voice 3: “your fellow employees will think less of you if you don’t perform up to what you think their expectations are of you” - to that I say “bugger-off ya wanker, I can’t please everyone and I am doing my best which includes taking care of myself”
To give a little background of my life and why I’m wired the way that I am, I am an ACOA (Adult Child Of an Alcoholic), in fact, both of my parents were problem drinkers. My early life was peppered with moments of good humor and love followed by chaotic events where both parents would scream and yell and countermand endlessly with the same arguments over and over. This went on for years and as an only child, I felt, and still am hard-wired to feel that this was my fault. I am programmed to think “If I could have pleased them with doing well, if I could’ve humored them with a joke, if I could’ve counseled them as a parent, perhaps all this ill will would have gone away.” Of course, all that trying did nothing other than tie me in knots and unprepared for real adult life. I’ve been in therapy, I’ve participated in many a self-help program and I think I’ve come out of them pretty well, but life is ever-growing and of ourselves we’re ever knowing and currently I’m at another stage where a higher level of self knowledge is coming into play.
So…to summarize. To refine and further define my commitment to MEM (Meditate/Exercise/Music) I will make sure that when I get home for school, if I haven’t already done MEM in the morning, I will MEM in the afternoon. I just made a new verb for myself - MEM - def: to MEM is to participate actively in three self-caring activities: meditation, exercise and musical expression (I know I just spelled MEME, but I’ll leave the ‘expression’ off for brevity’s sake)
So there we are friends, another peeling of the same self-improvement onion with hopes of improving and prolonging this life.
If you have any tips, tricks or other recommendation with regard to this or any other topic that comes to mind; please leave them in the comments below. AND if you think I’ve crawled up me bum and am staring at my navel from the inside out, feel free to mention that too!
Cheers,
Rob
